August 10, 2012 § Leave a comment
“Hold on to me as we go; as we roll down this unfamiliar road — & although this wave is stringing us along, (just know you’re not alone) because I’m going to make this place your home… Settle down, it’ll all be clear. Don’t pay no mind to the demons, they fill you with fear. Trouble it might drag you down; if you get lost, you can always be found. Just know you are not alone — I’m going to make this place your home.”
I made a big decision this week. A huge decision. (In my opinion, at least.) I decided, yet again, to leave the comforts and confines of home… of Gulf Shores… and attempt once again to be the potentially highly-accomplished lady I always envisioned myself to be. I’m not going far, granted, but I’m supremely exhilarated. I have turned in my sorrowful letter of resignation to my current company that I’ve spent the last year and a half with as the Sales & Marketing Manager to join the team of Merrill Lynch in Fairhope, Ala. as a PMD Financial Advisor.
I went through several emotions in a short period of time. Walking into what I strongly felt was going to be the end-all, tell-all interview, was in fact, the end-all, tell-all interview, I was slightly intimidated by the room of successful people that joined me at a table that could have very well been nicknamed “the firing range.” I was nervous and anxious when they excused themselves to determine my fate. I was overjoyed, stupid and blurry when they shook hands with me and welcomed me aboard. I was exhausted when I made it to my car in the parking lot. I was inexplicably angered and wavering when I called my mom and friends (still haven’t figured this one out). I was cautiously optimistic when broke the news to my boyfriend, waiting with bated breath to capture his reaction. We popped a bottle of champagne saved exclusively for such occasion. I became tearful — both because I was inarticulately happy (about the offer) and crushingly overwhelmed (about the transition). I laughed, ate, yelled, drank, celebrated and then sobbed with fervor in the arms of my seemingly confused mister, who consoled with grace and love, though I’m sure he had no clue what he was paying witness to.
I couldn’t do this without him.
I trust him in a way I have only trusted myself before.
Nonetheless, as if I really needed a sign — I did pray for one, feebly — I heard the song of which the lyrics were aforementioned and it mirrored so precisely the conversation we had that had brought serenity to my fragile mindset the night before. I remembered all of the words that he said to me. I let them wash me over.
Suddenly, where there was a metaphor of frightening, rough, white-capped swells of water accompanied with the howls of gale-force winds, I saw a calm sea of sun-projected diamonds atop a friendly ocean and a warmth spilled upon my nose and shoulders by said golden sun.
While the work and the position will be a challenge (to say the least), I feel as though the hardest part is done — the opportunity, the decision, the approach, the beginning. The wheels have been set in motion, and the start, for me, is always the most perplexing, complicated and wishfully avoidable. And it’s done.
My parting words in this come in the form of gratitude. I am thankful that I have been granted this opportunity, that I have earned it, and had the ability of which to earn it, and that it overcomes my entire being as a reward. I am unyieldingly appreciative that I can feel, with every fiber of my soul, these emotions that have held my mind hostage these past few days. I have felt accomplished, confident, insecure, timid, celebratory, anxious and most importantly, loved.
April 25, 2012 § Leave a comment
A client brought in his champagne lab to my office today. This little fury creature locked eyes with me and I knew that instantaneously, I had just fallen in love. I softly shrieked with giddy excitement, we both piddled a little and then I held her in my arms like a proud mother would. (I say mother, because at this current time, I find that I enjoy puppies to small children.) Her turquoise eyes looked into mine and she rested her puppy muzzle onto my shoulder with tired relief.
I named this little bear-eque ball of love, Perrie. [This was short for Dom Perignon due chiefly to the fact that she was a champagne lab. Subtle, right?!] I tried, with strict stealth to steal her twice through the back door of my office but was repeatedly reprimanded and asked to give the pup back. I am simply unsure that anyone understood this instant love we shared… However, I was almost equally as moved by the fact that I realized that this love I was thoroughly in the midst of, was amplified tenfold because of how ridiculously happy I am.
Of course there are things I’m looking to change that I feel would aid in developing a more cohesive photograph to this eclectic life I have, but for the most part, at this very moment, I am as happy as a fool.
I give credit where credit is due; it could be the weather. I love spring shamelessly. I love blooming flowers hanging from trees, beckoning to me at nose level to take in their intoxicating perfumes. I love that the sun is reenergizing its warmth in order to kiss my shoulders with bronzed bliss day after day. I love making the switch to white wine; its crispness mirrors the delicate hint of dewdrops that line the weighted grass tips at day break. I love the longer days; the urge to walk barefoot over the earth’s natural surfaces; the innate desire to take a car ride with no particular destination in mind.
Yes, I give credit where credit is due. It could, very well, be him though. There is something so very easy about what we’ve developed. I love being excited about tomorrow because it is another opportunity to learn more about ’em — there have been several surprises. I love laughing until tears pop out from the corner of my eyes over inside jokes seeking a solid fruition. Love the chemistry; love that even the slightest of touches from his hand onto the small of my back, guiding me through a crowd of unknowing bystanders witnessing this cascading happiness of mine escaping from every pore, makes every hair on the back of my neck stand at attention.
Whatever it may be, I’m going to let this happiness take me over. Sometimes, I think we fear being happy because whatever it is that is causing such happiness is so often fleeting and seldom ever here to stay — spring is certainly no exception to this rule. But! I’m not giving in this time; I’m not running. I’m strongly appealing for it to just take me over.
February 17, 2012 § 2 Comments
After a five year hiatus from the single life, my then-current manfriend and I decided to part ways and re-enter the fantastical world of dating while remaining the close friends that we had spent years becoming.
The split, for me, was something I was going to embrace with fervor — I was going to go on all of these movie-cliche dates with men who were almost perfect; we would date awhile, but there would always me some hilarious and minute flaw to the potential plot, and alas, without feelings being hurt, we would part ways. Easy and fun.
Ooh, God. This is NOT how dating goes apparently. And how would I have known?! I have been brainwashed by Sex and the City, Crazy Stupid Love and Just Friends; I don’t think I was fully prepared for the shambles that were to ensue.
I won’t mention anyone in particular but I have knick-named the majors. There was “the amicable-split country boy” that raised eyebrows from some pals and was instantly nonchalant from the beginning. Fun stuff! The hardest one was the “he must’ve gotten so excited I texted him that he fainted because he has yet to respond” whirlwind romance that swept me off of my feet and left me sob-crying to Someone Like You. Sad stuff! There was the psychotic Valentines Day fiasco — I’ll leave it at that, and a whole slew of other mini-flings that leave me questioning where do the normal people go? Scary stuff!
Luckily for me, I have close girlfriends in other cities exploring this same world that I am. I’m finding that budding relationships are often one-sided and doomed from the beginning. (I had previously forgotten this crucial aspect.) I’m also finding that most relationships do not end with the courtesy that my previous five-year relationship did. They mostly end with one side questioning, “were you just in the same relationship I was? Because, what the fuhhh?” Closure is routinely not granted.
Together, and through a network of support, my girlfriends and I have discovered ways to sway the relationship odds into (or out of) our favor. For instance, a borage of strange questions such as: how many cats do you think is too many cats? will aid in an awkward blind date to finish up quicker than expected and get both parties on with their single lives with no chance of having to politely (and painfully) having to turn down a second date because you just weren’t ‘feeling it.’
I have learned that I want more for myself, and that what you put in directly mirrors what you will get out of any scenario.
Despite the seemingly negative tone, I must say I have learned a great deal about myself throughout this transition. I have learned that I can go out alone and not be intimidated. I can belly up to a bar during happy hour and leave several friends gained. I can go out with girlfriends until 5 a.m. with a smile on my face, a hot dog in my hand, and pour my feelings out to a cab driver — all while having a massive amount fun. I have been able to pack a bag at the drop of a dime and fly or drive to different cities for the weekend without a great deal of planning (I love this!). I have learned that I want more for myself, and that what you put in directly mirrors what you will get out of any scenario.
I’m enjoying myself immensely, and not to forget, I’m very, very single.
January 12, 2012 § 1 Comment
Photographs that make me stop, think, and realize that all is beautiful in this world.
I am a person who, with strict consistency, seeks out beauty in the world. I rarely dismiss daily, small opportunities to live life to the fullest and most beautiful- to include hijacking a seat in front of the tarot card reader in Jackson Square, doing cartwheels on the shoreline of the beach after work, and in jetting off on a whim in search of love, career and a fresh start. I find beauty in smiles and laughter, love, moments of heartbreak, music, food, athleticism, architecture, events, religion, politics – everywhere, really. People find beauty in the most over-looked of places.
I am no photographer, but what I realize about myself, is that when I am in the very midst of these moments, I take little snapshots in my mind. I store them, much as you would in a photo album, and recall them at will, often replaying them over and over again. I remember snapshots of smiles. I remember the way a touch felt and looked. I remember the colors, smells and emotions. I also remember the split second I realize that I am taking myself out of the moment, and recording it — out of body and with a grateful gaze.
This may seem like a strange idea to some, but it keeps me grounded. It reminds me that life is delicate, finite, important and most of all – beautiful. There will be bouts of sadness, fleeting glimpses of humility, moments of sheer bliss, stretches of luck, and flashes of the utmost love you could possibly extend from yourself. You must be grateful for every single one of them. There will be spirituality, growth, insecurity, triumph, tragedy, success, and failure. You must embrace all of it.
I wish that I could share with you the snapshots I have swirling around in my mind because I am lucky to have lived, thus far, an incredibly beautiful life, but luckily I can’t; they are deeply personal anyway. In substitution, I have found photographs (via Pinterest, of course) that have made me stop and think ‘how beautiful that moment was.’ For instance, the first photo I found to be so intoxicating because in that shot, there is so much requited love. It’s inviting, not exclusive, and full of compassion. The next photograph was seemingly secure and pompous, but in all actuality, feels insecure, torn and self-destructive. The curious glimpse into the mind of a child to the above left is simply fantastical, and evokes a thought that says, ‘there is so much yet to be learned in this life.’
Ahh, alas. There is so much beauty in this world. -LP
November 14, 2011 § 1 Comment
There have been many confessions I have had to make to myself in my short time; one of them has been that I can be a selfish person at times. I, on the otherhand, know that in my heart of hearts I am also one of the most selfless. This has led me to struggle with a self-inflicted battle over the desire to want children later in life. For 49 weeks out of the year, I will often answer that it probably isn’t in the cards for me, but for a week or so every year – I look so lovingly into the future, and think about my family that awaits me.
This year, this desire was spurred by the photo above. I know that I yearn for a protege daughter. A daughter that I can shape and mold into a beautiful young woman. Strong, determined, loving and inquisitive. A best friend of sorts, someone that I can pass all of my secrets down to. The jewel of her father’s eye. A human being that is so beautiful, she will never fathom how much she exudes grace. My daughter.
And then, there was this photo. I remember counting down the days to Christmas in August when I was a child. Decorating the tree, making sugar cookies, the smell of cinnamon and the warmth of family. The innocence of Christmas when you’re a child is so unmatched by anything else in this world. You spend so many days waiting for Santa while wrapped in a tight embrace of mystery that you would never question. The sheer bliss of seeing a bite taken out of the cookie you left and the milk glass empty. Why did anyone have to tell me that Santa isn’t real? I simply cannot wait to pass this feeling onto my son. I know that he will be inquisitive, smart and thankful – I feel it.
I can’t wait to be surprised by how intelligent, creative, insightful, and thoughtful my children will be. I want to watch from a short distance their thought-process; their charm; their wit. I want to smile to myself when they do something to remind me that they are our most perfect creation. Granted, this will be so much later in life. I have much more writing, shopping, growing, dancing, traveling, drinking, selfish-loving and indulging left to do. Nonetheless, it’s beyond comforting to know that I have a vast majority of my life yet to be lived and that I my choices are infinite and enthralling on even a bad day.